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Me either...
I have regretted decisions in my life, I have been sad over many things and I still am broken-hearted over those in my past. Right now I have the potential to change my life and I am on the cusp of a drastic decision. This time I hope my choice doesn't destroy my soul any more than my past choices have.
It's not like I need it though. I've discovered I can fake being happy really well when I try. Just like when I was younger I'll put up my emotional facade so no one else can influence this choice. I have to make it and live with the repercussions whatever they may be. To keep my new life here with those I have grown to care about, or to return to my home with those I've cared about since childhood as well as those who betrayed me.
For the first time in my life I'm very very confused and upset drastically.
I cannot choose between them, but I know that I would happily be a vampire. One of my best friends in the world would be a werewolf. And we'd still be great friends.
And next is the: Z is sick statement, which sucks and means I'll be spending time on my couch.
And finally is the: Z is not quite as bummed statement now that she has her video games again. Mmm... zombies.
It's not the same and I can't be friends.
I may have to leave NY... its a bunch of family and personal issues that might have to be taken care of. I'm not sure yet. Might just be a drama-queen BS back in MO, but I won't know until I unravel everything.
I don't really want to leave. Now that its summer, I'm not quite as miserable as I was. ok, I wasn't miserable, I was seasonally depressed. It happens to me during non-fun "winter-esque" weather. Now that there are trees its better.
Yes, I ish fail.
- Location:Just out of the shower
- Music:Girls on Trampolines by Ludo
Entertain me.
I'm beginning to miss many of my friends in MO and my sister as well. Especially the nieces and nephew.
Not exactly sure why I miss my friends, I had gotten to the point where I hardly talked to them anyway. I think its because I knew I had the option of talking to them. A bit of lonliness and an hour drive (speeding of course) and I could see them whenever I wanted. Some of my friends I don't miss. I'd gotten to the point where they'd abused my love and friendship too many times for me to go out of my way for them. I do miss some of my best friends though.
Fred, my best girl. My idol. She's one of the most fantastic artists known to man. I adore her and miss her muchly, especially since we'd drifted apart before my move. I tried to talk her in to moving out here with me; I know she'd love it. The best I could do is get a promise to visit sometime in the unspecified future. I've got her phone number and I suppose I could call her, but I guess I'm not that good of a friend. Luv ya sexy (since I know you read my journal ;))
Josh, Kat, Andy, Aana, Brian, Matt & Danika. Jay, Wade, and the rest of the Geek Out gang. I LOVE YOU ALL! To Josh, for all the times he let me crash at his place because home was something that scared me. He's one of the best people on the face of the planet. A true gentlemen he knew to never overstep his boundries and gave me someone to talk to every time I needed it. Kat, because she's just fantastic. We still need to take that boy (Josh) shopping and get him some real pants. Andy, you may have owned the store, but you know Josh and I ran it. I'm glad to be your shoulder any time you need it and I truly hope this thing with Shannon works out. You deserve something better after the shit your ex pput you through. You've got my number if ever you need me. Aana, my wife my monkey butter. You're baby is the cutest thing to come out of your body. And keep those tits reigned down before they eat someone! Matt & Danika. You two are some of the most giving people I've ever met. When I started hanging with everyone, you both made sure I felt welcome. Danika, you're giggling made everything better and Matt, that was the cutest proposal known to man. I'll be home for you wedding; I wouldn't miss it for the world. Jay, I owe you dinner. Wade, to all-night Ghost Recon: AW binges fueled by Halloween candy. Everyone else from Geek Out, you know I miss our gaming and stupid shit we'd pull. Maybe I'll be back just to hang.
Because I is lame.
And I figured that maybe I should post something.
I hate NY.
- Location:Al's computer
- Music:none
Soo, in the midst of this massive ice storm that was proceeded by a snow storm we lost all power for approximately 13 hours. It's 20 degrees outside. That makes it a cool 41 degrees inside the house. My sister, her husband, the three kids and I were all in my sisters room with candles lit in full winter gear. That was after spending 2 hours excavating our cars from the over 1 inch of ice that was on them. WE're also supposed to be getting a worse storm tonight. I got smart and covered my car this time though.
I can tell you one thing though, we here in the Polston household suck at 20 question.
And I hate eyespy.
And I have a dead cell phone
And I need to go move shit and can't leave the neighborhood.
And I'm lonely.
To dispel any rumors.... no I'm not pregnant. I'm not sure how I could be pregnant, but it seems to be going around. I'm at my sisters house. I didn't run away. I'm helping her watch my grandma and her kids. It's thrilling, I swear. A town in BFE, I'm lucky they have the internet..
Bite me.
- Music:Nightwish
I just thought that I'd say hi and drop in with an update. Talk about the uber-thrilling.
I had/have to quit all my jobs. Why? Because I'm going to be moving, and not to New York. Well, I'm still moving to NEw York, just not this second. I'm moving in with my sister.
Yes, I miss my sister, and yes, I love my sister very much. I'm not sure how I'm going to like living out there. She lives in Bowling Green, MO. That is, for those uninformed, a town aptly nicknamed Boring Green. They don't even have a Wal-Mart.
I don't have a choice though. My grandma lives with my sister and she just got diagnosed with dementia. Shortly thereafter, she tried to burn the house down. Accidentally of course, but still. She needs 24/7 supervision and can't be left home alone. My sister and her husband both work and have 3 children. Hopefully with me there (even working) we should have varied enough schedules that someone is always home to watch her. By the time I move to New York, we should be done working with her insurance to get her health care to cover the home. She's in her 90s and just started acting this way so I guess she did really well.
Anywho, give me a hoot and holler. I have a phone people.
Luv and kisses
Z
- Location:Geek Out
- Mood:
Aww, crap - Music:Re: Brains
Anyways, I've been working so much lately, combined with my fucking up my health ROYALLY (I got rehospitalized last week for complications from my new shots. YAY!) :(
I've been working mostly at the game store and haven't been allowed by my doc to go back in to Harman. They aren't happy and I'm prolly gonna get fired but that just knocks me down to 4 jobs. I've been doing so much to help out Andy (he owns the local game store) by reorganizing, taking over ordering, redoing his advertising, and helping to get his website designed that everyone thinks I live there.
I is lame.
All your base are belong to us.
Luvs and kisses
Z
- Location:Geek Out
- Mood:
blah - Music:Lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off by Panic!
I hope your reading this you bastard!
Stop following me.
- Location:My couch
- Mood:
GO Away! - Music:Home by Breaking Benjamin
No, I'm not leaving but I am going to be working 7 days a week again for a whiles. Prolly til December.
Good on money but bad on Z.
^__^
I know approximately when and where I'm moving. I know I am moving no matter what because being around here is just driving me up the fucking wall. My wanderlust has kicked in to the extreme. It takes quite a bit not to just pack up and move today.
I wasn't sure where I was moving until this past weekend. I'm still not sure. People and such could change there mind so I won't consider it set in stone yet. If that falls through, I've got other places with family and friends around so it won't be completely starting over. Even though I want to completely start over I know that I'll just get uber lonely and that it won't be good for me. I want to do one thing but my logic makes me compromise. Fucking morals.
I got to spend all weekend with my brother! YAY!!!!!! I miss seeing him since he joined the army. Hopefully with him being stationed in MO (even temporarily) I'll get to see him more for a few months.
I'm ridiculously tired and I'm hoping to sleep all day since I'll be hitting the working during the day again this week. Moving is expensive. Especially when I want to have at LEAST a full 3 months bills saved up so I can find a decent job that I'll enjoy. Or just some fun little boutique job. Not like it matters til I'm done with college...
Been back into my writing and drawing. Actually, I've been painting a lot lately. Busted out quite a few of my unfinished works and am finishing them up. Wootness.
Anyways, I'm out of here.
Luv and kisses,
Z
- Location:the evercommon couch of DOOOM
- Mood:
Mmm.. pink lemonade - Music:But its better if you do by Panic! At the Disco
So, I've been working out all day and haven't slept since yesterday morning. And I have to work all night. That's gonna be a hella long night. I know come 4 am I'm definately gonna feel it. That last 2 or 3 hours of the night is the worst!
SO why have I been working out all day? Because I decided hat I miss my abs. I've got some uper cute clothes that require my perfectly taut tummy again. Not that I'm fat because I most certainly am not. I just somehow lost most my tone. Damn that laziness.... Well, I'm never one to stay lazy long so I'm back to my working out constantly.Cardio, rollerblading, and minor weight lifting. Swet action.
You know you wanna get all sweaty with me. ;) I mean by working out you pervs! But then again workout partners distract me... I spend too much time laughing and talking and not enough time feeling the burn. >__<
I'm glad to have solid colored hair again. Yay for burgundy. Soo much easier to maintain.
Work laughs at me for missing too much time but cna't do anything about it since I get medical leave.
Woot.
Luv and kisses,
Z
- Location:dancing around my house
- Mood:
energetic - Music:Gasoline by Seether (Yahoo radio)
Why, you ask, amd I fucked? Because I keep making friends states away that I wish I could hang around. I know that they live far away, but I still talk to them. It makes me lonely. ANd then I keep pissing off and alienating friends here. My roommated girlfriend keeps getting mad at me and I have no idea why. I think she gets upset that I treat her boyfriend (my roommate) like an obnoxious brother. We play fight all the time. He's like my twin. Apparently though she doesn't want him talking to me anymore. I'm not sure how we'd manage that what with him and her both living in MY house. (Yes, that is a MY house, owned by me)
One minute I want to move the next I want to stay here. I want to move some place that has the same kind of city life as here. Meaning I'm in the city but still in the country. We have cows. COWS!!! Moo....
I want to get back into my art, but lack inspiration. I have no lover, no vice to inspire me anymore. It's driving me insane. I'm wasting ludacris amount of paper on half-assed attempts at drawing. It's driving me fucking NUTS!
One minute I'm happy, but crying. The next I'm depressed but smiling so big it hurts.
I need to readjust. To set my life back to being where I was. I need things normal, not fucked up.
So this is what I'm doing. I'm spending this weekend at my sisters. I used to always go there to tune back in to myself. She always helps me get level headed. Any time I dive off the deep end, she gives me my floaties. Maybe a wekend of guitar playing, movie watching, and house cleaning will help.
If it doesn't, maybe I'l try therapy because something in my head is seriously fucked up... I don't even make sense in my own thought processes anymore.
- Location:my couch
- Music:Closer by NIN
